I cleaned out my freezer this morning at 6am. Most of you are probably saying, so what? But those who know me know that i only do this on one of two occasions - either about 15 hours before I give birth, or when I'm extremely angry and feel like hitting something. And I'm definitely not giving birth today. Even Tristan, my 3-year-old who loves helping me with all household tasks - washing dishes, sorting the laundry, cooking, sweeping, assembling furniture - knows to stay away when I'm cleaning the freezer.

At around 5:30am my baby woke up for milk again, for the fifth time in 7 hours. And the thoughts bulldozing through my head didn't let me get back to sleep afterwards so I got up and attacked the freezer. There's something very satisfying about hitting the ice with my wooden mallet with all my might until it is dislodged and falls off with a crash... one negative thought per thump... the freezing ice on my skin somewhat cooling my anger.... 

It's not Ethan's waking up I was angry at. Actually I cherish his middle-of-the-night wakings for milk because they offer me an opportunity to reconnect with him. I love hugging him quietly in the middle of the night, the rest of his siblings sound asleep, smelling his breath, caressing his silky soft hair, his tiny fingers wrapped around mine as he snuggles in my armpit rooting for milk. Having experienced this with my other 3 kids, I know how quickly it passes and how fast they grow and how much I will miss it when voluntarily they move away from me and into their own beds. No, waking up at night for my kids doesn't make me feel angry. It makes me feel frustrated sometimes, and tired, particularly if neither me nor them is getting enough rest because of some illness and the resulting lack of sleep. But not angry. 

My anger was towards sperm donors - glorified babysitters who call themselves "dads" so they can gloat about their child on Facebook and show him off as if he was a new tattoo. Using him as their latest bait and pick-up line so they look like "cool dads" with women who, as an unfortunate result of our biological makeup, are turned on by the image of a man nurturing his child, even if only in a photo. My anger was towards a generalising "politically correct" legal system that grants such part-time and mostly absent "dads" the same rights and privileges as the mums who sacrifice and give up so much from the very first moment they are aware of the existence of their child. I was upset at a legal system made up of outsiders, of men and women I do not know and who do not know my child, yet who I have to trust with the wellbeing of my child because it is assumed they know better than me what is best for my child.

Why is it automatically assumed that a child needs the sperm donor in his life simply because said donor gets emotional and weepy and self-righteous when talking about the son whose nappy he never changed once... who never had to give up wine, or blue cheese, or hair colour, or mayonnaise, or their favourite exercise, or countless other things because of pregnancy or breastfeeding... who, in fact, did not have to make ONE CHANGE in his life as a result of the presence of his accidental offspring? They never have to endure "morning" sickness, breathlessness, heartburn, cramps, indigestion, water retention, incontinence, sore nipples, leaky breasts, carrying excess weight, altered body shape, loss of hair, stretch marks, restricted diets, insomnia... to mention a few. They are never woken up for milk by a hungry baby every 2 hours for at least six weeks, and every 30 minutes during growth spurts. Neither do they have to comfort a crying, feverish child night after sleepless night and still have to wake up in the morning to prepare the other kids for school and get some work done to pay the bills. Nor do they have to negotiate time off work or sacrifice their vacation time to attend the needs of a sick child or be present at the various school activities.  And more often than not it's the mums who need to find ways to drop off and pick up the kids to and from school, including on the various days when school ends at 12 because of staff meetings.  And it's the mums - especially the single ones - who have to find a way to keep going, often straight after birth, and somehow combine with and motherhood because a single mum has no other choice.

I don't want to be misunderstood - I know men who deserve the title of "dad", my own father being one of them.  Men who are fully involved in raising their kids, men who support their wives while pregnant, make sacrifices together. Men who do not run off in fear - or in post-natal depression - abandoning their wives and babies at the first obstacle.  Men whose role in the lives of their children is not to simply be the "fun" parent but also the "ugly" one who provides discipline and boundaries. Men who adapt their work schedule so that they can be truly present in the life of their young child, and whose time with their kids involves more than babysitting them at the swings for a couple of hours while sipping a coffee with friends.  Men who take their time with their kids seriously, getting to know them emotionally, listening to their fears and challenges and worries.  I know and admire such men, and they know who they are because they shine like rare gems and are true role-models for our future generations of men, and I tell them so.  But I grow so tired of hearing from women who had to change so much in their lives with the arrival of their child, while their partners stayed stuck somewhere at age 14.  Women who are living as single women even though they are married and physically share a house with their husband.  And of course single mums who continuously feel the need to prove themselves and their parenting skills lest the sperm donor accuses them of neglect and tries to take custody of their children.  

Discrimination against women is still very rampant in this area.  We may be able to vote, and demand equal pay for equal work, but god forbid a single mum has an active sex life, for example, because she is labelled a slut and deemed a bad influence on her kids.  Whereas a man can change partners like socks and even introduce his kids to each one of them, confusing them and upsetting them unnecessarily, and nobody bats an eyelid.  A single mum wouldn't dare miss a school activity or send a child to school with an unironed shirt, because she'll be talked about for weeks outside the school gates.  Where is the sperm donor's participation in the stress of the day-to-day routines with kids?  We - and the legal system - need to call a spade a spade.  My daughter said it well when, with her 7-year-old wisdom and innocence, she said to a  man "Don't think it's going to be easy to be a dad".  Fathers are not made by accidentally procreating.  The child's emotional well-being should be more important than political correctness.  It should not be assumed that anybody knows what is best for a child than that child's nurturing mother, who has been actively present in his or her life through the good, the bad, and the ugly since the day she peed on the stick that turned blue. 

No law can - or should - change that connection and its relevance.  It's the law that needs to change to acknowledge this basic biological fact.  The human race has always gotten into trouble when we go against nature.  And laws or societal expectations that attempt to diminish the importance of the mother-child bond will only lead to a future of disoriented and disconnected adults, and ensuing chaos.